Dear Citizens of Earth,
Although nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, the means outweigh the immediacy with which this message needs to be relayed at once to every dutiful citizen of the free world. It has come to our attention that various apparatuses, namely toilets, vacuum cleaners and other household "sucking" devices have become responsible for a terrible effect. Namely, each time the air is brought through a tube, it deepens the pull of atoms in the air thereby minimally increasing the gravitational pull. Although singly, they have no affect, conjunctively they are bringing catastrophe to our planet.
Originally, we scientists believed carbon emission in the atmosphere was responsible for ozone depletion, but it is now widely recognized that toilet flushing is the main cause for ozone depletion in BOTH hemispheres.
We (undersigned scientists of America) urge you all : PLEASE STOP FLUSHING! And limit vacuuming to a minimum. We fear an escalation in toilet use could bring imminent danger to our planet: Global Warming, Vortexes, Meteors, Iranian Nuclear Weapons, Unwanted Alien Visitors, Small Children, Disruptive Star Clusters (DSC's), Debris or Pluto hurtling towards earth or could possibly put a democrat in the white house.
Thank you for your time,
Dr. P. Knuckle R. Stoutz
and the Center for Redonculous Research